Please bear with this entry until you get to the good part. You have to see the dark stuff before, you know, the light becomes clear. What I’m telling you is about how the last two+ years, and really the culmination of 45 years of real life, led to ONE WORD.
This is a conversation between me and God…and you are somehow a part of it, too.
Through breakdown, chronic depression, anxiety, PTSD, toxicity, pain, diabetes, high blood pressure, desperation, hopelessness, meds, doctors, appointments, emergency room visits, terror, nightmares, isolation, marginalization, loneliness, sleeplessness, vertigo, illness, vulnerability, fragility, hypervigillance, therapy, anger, guilt, grief, accident, watching my faithful but weary husband and my sensitive, sweet 16-year old daughter, a job with what seem to be endless unresolved issues and loose ends, losing friends, finding who our real friends are, disappointment in our church community and probably their disappointment with me, suicidal thoughts and wishes, debt, self-loathing, too many hours alone in my room, too many hours watching old movies, extreme sensitivity to light and sound, triggers, tinnitus, constant sensation of movement in my head, nausea, lack of focus, disappointment, missed opportunities, ruined holidays, plans made and canceled, injury, fear, hurt, frustration and more anger…
…doubt, questions…noise, Noise, NOISE!!!
…and by Your Spirit You have spoken and caused me to STOP…
Quieten your mind.
Quieten your heart.
Quieten your body.
Be quiet before Me.
I will help you, but you must be quiet.
Stop talking. Stop resisting. Stop fighting. Stop pushing back.
Be quiet. I am working.
Like a multifaceted jewel in my hands, I turn the word over and over. The precious jewel of Quiet. I hold it up to the Light and it all becomes so clear…
Peace. Rest. Stillness. Stop. Move forward. Listen. Receive. Quiet. Don’t listen to the invading thought-darts. Put your armor back on. Self-control and self-discipline. Stand firm. Steel yourself.
I am working. Be quiet. Don’t interfere. Further, don’t interfere in your own process and progress.
I see; you don’t. Trust me. Be quiet.
Hold still. Hold your tongue. Let it go. Listen, even to the stillness. Watch and pray. Stop spinning. I am fashioning you to be of better use to Me, for your good and My Glory.
Stop. Breathe. Breathe Me in. Let everything else go. Be quiet.
That’s enough. The noise is gone. What you hear are just faint echoes and vague, impotent lies.
Listen to Me. My heart. My words. My Life in you. Give me the weight you’ve placed on everything but Me, including yourself. Let it go. I am working.
Be quiet. I love you.
I love You, Father! Thank You! Thank You for this gift, this treasure. Give me the grace to wear it well!